Water bear. Moss piglet. Tardigrades are the true galactic troopers. These eight-legged micro manatees can survive without air or water in the intense radiation of outer space. Scientists have chilled them down to -200 Celsius and boiled the poor bears (300 F/150 C) up to an hour without incident.

When hibernating, moss piglets can activate a seemingly supernatural gene that generates a shield-like protein to protect them from pretty much every environmental hazard we’re aware of. 

Caveat: New research (January 2020) shows they do have a fatal flaw, in that a nice hot bath of 100 degrees Fahrenheit (38 degrees Celsius) can kill them in about one day on your planet Earth.

Unfortunately: Newer research (April 2023) shows the Academy of Military Sciences radiation biotechnology laboratory in Beijing used the CRISPR/Cas9 gene-editing tool to insert (fuck) the radiation-resistant tardigrade gene into human embryonic stem cells. 90 percent of the fused hybrids survived a lethal exposure to X-ray radiation.

One assumption is they ran the experiment with actual humans to create radiation-resistant supersoldiers, but I’m reaching for the stars, friends.

Our space manatee offspring: larping All Tomorrows. We ARE the Qu, maaan.

I imagine scientists freak out when they see the laws of physics get broken. Aliens aren’t even the threat from that- it’s the fear of a global power owning air superiority through tech we can’t understand.

Enter the DoD and their All-domain Anomaly Resolution Office (AARO). AARO has to defend our cities and silos from asteroids and supersonic nuclear missiles, but they’re also into some kinky shit like “anomalous, unidentified space, airborne, submerged and transmedium objects.”

Emphasis added by me. The DoD has a literal SCP gang exploring interdimensional warfare.

Anyway, Harvard’s Avi Loeb and AARO’s Sean Kirkpatrick got together to write this paper suggesting the declassified military sightings all over Youtube are probably coming from a self-replicating mothership hanging out somewhere in our solar system. 

They think it wants our water.

I had this gig a few years back writing about watches. They gave me some wild requests like this one about whether or not a watch would work in a wormhole. I get the idea you’d be turned to noodles and strung up in the Upside Down, but the science guys and gals seem to think your watch would still work.